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I wondered how much money they had invested in creating me. Lots nodoubt. That sickened me again. "You have to look after me. That's yourjob. Trust me. I'd prefer to get it myself."I went and had a hot shower, water almost scalding. That seemed tohelp. The food was pushed under the door as I returned to the nest I'dmade with Krystal. Fresh cookies, chocolate and ice cream along withmy usual lunch. I ate but thinking about Krystal and all the othercrap in my life stole all the joy from the self indulgence. Then Islept.***"They came and took her away. They're taking kids off the street," Isaid angrily as I brushed my teeth then spat. Personal grooming wasthe most irritating chore. Even brushing my teeth reminded me of thechange I'd gone through. My teeth were different. I felt like my mouthwas exploding with misgrown teeth. But they looked fine. I tried notto think about showering, using the toilet or dressing. It's hard toignore your body when you're consciously doing it though.It was. Of course he'd mentioned her again. It seemed stupid to keep referringto her as Kevin. Mr Black seemed intent on me not knowing her realname. I couldn't see the harm in a first name. But nothing he did waswithout purpose I guess."Will Kevin know what I became?" I ask forlornly. I wouldn't want herto know. I remembered asking him (when he was a him) to specificallygive up hookers for me. Did she really suggest to Mr Black that Ibecome one?"I don't think she'd care to know one bit."I was stupid to keep asking. Every time I did, the answer was justdemoralizing. She wasn't the Kevin I knew, but I refused to believeshe was as indifferent towards me as Mr Black implied. It would bevery easy for Mr Black to say whatever he wants, and attribute it toKevin. But of course it instilled enough doubt. Maybe Kevin reallydoesn't care.Regardless I would never want her to see me when I become... whateverit is exactly I'm about to become. So it really is time to lock awaythose feelings and memories.
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